Miracle Today

Thank You: Happy New Year!

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 20:30:20 -0500

LESSON 163. There is no death. The Son of God is free.

Death is a thought that takes on many forms… sadness, fear, anxiety or doubt; as anger, faithlessness and lack of trust; concern for bodies, envy, and all forms in which the wish to be as you are not may come to tempt you.

All such thoughts are but reflections of the worshipping of death as savior and as giver of release.

My favorite retort as a teenager was, “I never asked to be born!”

I still feel this way sometimes but is it fair? Have the joys not outweighed the rest? Yet I’m still afraid of every future day and regret so much of the past.

I spent the 10 days holiday drinking upon waking, working on a personal project, and passing out in front of the tv before my husband. Is that life?

Embodiment of fear, the host of sin, god of the guilty and the lord of all illusions and deceptions, does the thought of death seem mighty. For it seems to hold all living things within its withered hand; all hopes and wishes in its blighting grasp; all goals perceived but in its sightless eyes. The frail, the helpless and the sick bow down before its image, thinking it alone is real, inevitable, worthy of their trust. For it alone will surely come.

And that’s the problem. I’m listening to the devil, not the angel.

in place of aspirations and of dreams. But death is counted on…It will never fail to take all life as hostage to itself.

Here is the opposite of God…

There is no death, and we renounce it now in every form, for their salvation and our own as well. God made not death. Whatever form it takes must therefore be illusion. This the stand we take today. And it is given us to look past death, and see the life beyond.

I couldn’t sleep last night. Too many thoughts racing about this and that and nothing really. And something I’ve heard a million times before finally made sense.

I thought of the brain and how these thoughts are just synapses firing. They’re not reality, just activity!

My husband always tells me that that your brain is trying to trick you. Convince you that thoughts that aren’t true are.

And he (and all those meditation books) are right!

I have always been in love with my thoughts. So much as to enjoy doing crystal meth because I always had new thoughts. Of course to be discarded the next day.

This is not being in love with reality. Loving reality is embracing everything here and now.

Me. You. This place. This weather. This life.

And this new year, I will try to not always reject, want more, but love this here and now. Not to reject others as I fear being rejected. To make the most of the beautiful life that we are all given.

Thank you lord.

I am grateful for being born.

Love Me

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 20:08:20 -0500

LESSON 162. I am as God created me.

I think my brother is perfect. He’s so outgoing, generous, sincere, and loving on top of being funny, smart, attractive, creative, and athletic. But he’s single again and working so hard to change himself.

The list of all the things he’s going to do differently was exhausting. He’s perfect! Now! Just because one girl didn’t see it doesn’t mean it’s now so.

This single thought, held firmly in the mind, would save the world…they are the words God gave in answer to the world you made. By them it disappears.

I’ve been toying with that idea lately – what if I was just happy with this. What I am now – how I look, my shy/outgoing personality, my laugh that is sometimes punctuated with a snort. What If I love myself now. Oriah Mountain Dreamer said it best in The Dance:

“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”

There is no dream these words will not dispel; no thought of sin and no illusion which the dream contains that will not fade away before their might. They are the trumpet of awakening that sounds around the world.

Already that thought makes me feel like I got a What Not To Wear makeover. Standing taller, feeling better, reading to engage with the world. Somehow accepting myself makes everything around more desirable too.

I am a grass is greener girl. Always dreaming, moving, wanting something more. Convinced that a change of scenery and people will “fix it”.

We honor you today. Yours is the right to perfect holiness you now accept. With this acceptance is salvation brought to everyone…perfect joy is yours, available to all…

Choosing to love myself helps the painful shyness to melt away. Others are no longer enemies but all the same as me.

And who would not be brother to you now; you, his redeemer and his savior. Who could fail to welcome you into his heart with loving invitation, eager to unite with one like him in holiness?

Like after too many drinks or too little sleep, the world can instantly change with a shift of perspective. The best shift is to remember, I am as God created me.

You are as God created you. These words dispel the night, and darkness is no more.

Shine a Light

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:31:00 -0500

Lesson 161. Give me your blessing, holy Son of God.

I love to retreat into negativity. Whenever I’m uncomfortable, I lash out – mocking rather than feel the pain of shyness, fear of rejection and shame of never being good enough.

One brother is all brothers. Every mind contains all minds, for every mind is one. Such is the truth. Yet do these thoughts make clear the meaning of creation? Do these words bring perfect clarity with them to you?

I love the idea of loving all but it is so hard! If I’m making fun of people to feel better about myself, obviously I don’t want to be like them.

It seems to be the body that we feel limits our freedom, makes us suffer, and at last puts out our life. Yet bodies are but symbols for a concrete form of fear…Who sees a brother as a body sees him as fear’s symbol. And he will attack…

And there it is. I’m choosing through all this is to stay down rather than raising myself up. To reject love rather than give it, receivie it.

Ask him but for this, and he will give it to you. Ask him not to symbolize your fear. Would you request that love destroy itself? Or would you have it be revealed to you and set you free?

So worried about people saying no. What if there is no love? No love for me?

Select one brother, symbol of the rest, and ask salvation of him.

I cast doubts aside to reach out to my actual brother. I even fear I will be rejected by him but of course, he has just been busy lately. And that reminds me about reaching out. How most people are content not to reach out, as I am, but will welcome any advances.

Today’s idea is your safe escape from anger and from fear. Be sure you use it instantly, should you be tempted to attack a brother and perceive in him the symbol of your fear. And you will see him suddenly transformed from enemy to savior; from the devil into Christ.

Gotta shine the light on those shadows.

Mi Casa es Su Casa

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:29:09 -0500

Lesson 160. I am at home. Fear is the stranger here.

Sometimes anxiety takes over. I am doing things while thinking I shouldn’t be doing this. I say yes when I mean no. I hate myself for it.

Fear is a stranger to the ways of love. Identify with fear, and you will be a stranger to yourself. And thus you are unknown to you. Who but a madman could believe he is what he is not, and judge against himself?

I have learned from my mentally powerful husband that this doesn’t have to be so. I can state what I am, what I need, what I don’t want. It’s my world too. I don’t need to bend myself to fit someone else’s will.

You had asked this stranger in to take your place, and let you be a stranger to yourself? No one would let himself be dispossessed so needlessly, unless he thought there were another home more suited to his tastes.

The problem is, it’s not comfortable to inhabit a world that isn’t mine. But I also don’t feel comfortable as myself yet.

Who is the stranger? Is it fear or you who are unsuited to the home which God provided for His Son? Is it fear that love completes, and is completed by? There is no home can shelter love and fear. They cannot coexist. If you are real, then fear must be illusion. And if fear is real, then you do not exist at all.

While this continues, I cannot go any further. Get rid of the pained teenage memories forever. Exchanging wishing I wasn’t born for being grateful for all I have been given. God doesn’t make mistakes. I am perfect.

God’s certainty suffices. ..Your home may be complete and perfect as it was established. He has not forgotten you. But you will not remember Him until you look on all as He does. Who denies his brother is denying Him, and thus refusing to accept the gift of sight by which his Self is clearly recognized, his home remembered and salvation come.

I am perfect. You are perfect. Love has to be given to be received.

Take this black ribbon off my eyes

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:28:03 -0500

LESSON 159. I give the miracles I have received.

Cultivating gratitude is a commonly accepted technique to become happier, even optimistic and energetic. I started those journals a few times – where before bed you write down 3 things you’re thankful for. I even signed up for an app that now gets deleted from my inbox every day.

When it comes down to it, I see the wine glass as half empty – even though I have no right to. True to the Secret, I have always gotten whatever I have desired. Not always when or how I expect it but all my dreams – husband, travel, school, work – come true.

To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours.

You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away.

How can I so comfortably live out this contradiction. I have everything – I want more! I’m grateful for what I had once it’s gone, looking back through rose colored glasses. Until then, miserable.

Christ’s vision is the bridge between the worlds. And in its power can you safely trust to carry you from this world into one made holy by forgiveness.

This is the Holy Spirit’s single gift; the treasure house to which you can appeal with perfect certainty for all the things that can contribute to your happiness. All are laid here already. All can be received but for the asking.

Just as we are made perfect, so are our lives. It’s all there, it just needs to be accepted. Take the gifts!

It reminds me of the diet advice, to live life now rather than waiting until you lose ___ pounds. There are so many excuses to not get out there and enjoy life. The one missing out is you. All those people I’m not out there talking to don’t know I’m there!

Behold the store of miracles set out for you to give. Are you not worth the gift, when God appointed it be given you?

It’s taking some getting used to but as I absorb and begin to believe that the words are true – I’m good enough and always have been. From a red-haired babe to purple-haired teenager and back, what I am is exactly what I need to be. No more, no less. Same goes for others.

His dream awakens us to truth. His vision gives the means for a return to our unlost and everlasting sanctity in God.

It’s a radical transition, this leap of faith. I’m a huge fan of buying solutions and have a pile of groupon workouts languishing to prove it. But there is no way to buy a better life, you have to create it. It was always there, just own it. The presents have your name on the tags.

Unstoppable

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:26:05 -0500

Lesson 158. Today I learn to give as I receive.

In my head, there are so many distinct ways to berate and insult myself. “I’m an idiot!” is the reaction to deleting the wrong photos, breaking a dish, taking a wrong turn. There is constant doubt about every decision I make. Where did all these layers of self hatred come from? I was born innocent and full of potential!

What has been given you? The knowledge that you are a mind, in Mind and purely mind, sinless forever, wholly unafraid, because you were created out of love. Nor have you left your Source, remaining as you were created. This was given you as knowledge which you cannot lose. It was given as well to every living thing, for by that knowledge only does it live.

The negativity goes both ways. The same thoughts are also projected onto others– judging an extra pound when I have 20, insulting intelligence because duh, jealousy for wealth disguised as disdain. I see others as I see myself - I see myself as I see others.

Our concern is with Christ’s vision. This we can attain. It beholds a light beyond the body; an idea beyond what can be touched, a purity undimmed by errors, pitiful mistakes, and fearful thoughts of guilt from dreams of sin. It sees no separation. And it looks on everyone, on every circumstance, all happenings and all events, without the slightest fading of the light it sees.

Perhaps the negativity didn’t come to me from outside but started from within. I don’t see the light in others and believe mine has gone out too.

Thus do you learn to give as you receive. And thus Christ’s vision looks on you as well. This lesson is not difficult to learn, if you remember in your brother you but see yourself. If he be lost in sin, so must you be; if you see light in him, your sins have been forgiven by yourself.

What I wanted from this and the hardest part is not being alone. It’s not enough to not feel alone knowing God is always there. It’s another thing to reach out to fellow man. I still define myself by my childhood shyness but Morrissey is still right:

Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You’d like to

- The Smiths - How Soon is Now

Bless Us Lord

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:22:33 -0500

LESSON 157. Into His Presence would I enter now.

I’m off the wagon, or is it on. At first, these lessons were so transformative and consuming. I felt chills, love, the sparks of new ideas. And now I wonder if I can continue. It feels like nothing is happening. Am I at all changed?

Today it will be given you to feel a touch of Heaven, though you will return to paths of learning. Yet you have come far enough along the way to alter time sufficiently to rise above its laws, and walk into eternity a while.

On Thanksgiving, I joined in a rare event for me – grace. We all joined hands while my brother gave thanks and there was a surge of swirling energy in the room (clockwise!). I tried to take it all in and give back more, like adding speed to a merry-go-round.

I would never admit how I enjoyed such a thing but after we unclasped hands my pure, uncensored, and darling husband said, Wow! I suppose all it takes is a glimpse of the Divine to keep going. Sure we stuffed ourselves with deep fried turkey after but that moment has stuck with me.

Your body will be sanctified today, its only purpose being now to bring the vision of what you experience this day to light the world.

And of course the body is my scourge – showing me the promise of bliss but only leading down. But it’s true that the body does lead to light. It’s just not through wine, sugar, and couch sitting.

Today we will embark upon a course you have not dreamed of. But the Holy One, the Giver of the happy dreams of life, Translator of perception into truth, the holy Guide to Heaven given you, has dreamed for you this journey which you make and start today, with the experience this day holds out to you to be your own.

I don’t know where I’m going, this is what I have to remember. I worry, plan, worry and plan some more but none of those things ever happen. Everything I wish for comes in addition to joy I could never dream up. The lows, they come, but they are never the pits of despair I fear.

I want to give up on this journey because I think how can things be different than they have ever been. But things are different today, will be tomorrow. This is a gift.

I can keep going because I know that “the world (and god) is more wonderful than you ever imagined.

Yet the vision speaks of your remembrance of what you knew that instant, and will surely know again.

Walk This Way

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:20:50 -0500

LESSON 156. I walk with God in perfect holiness.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night, after too many drinks and too much food and shame washes over me. I got caught up trying for the slippery slope of escape but the only place it brings you is down. And yet every day I try again to take flight without wings.

What could possibly be the root connection between personal shame and the addiction to pain? This is what we will now seek to discover.

There is a great difference between experiencing humility as opposed to humiliation.

The bigger questions are, why would a normal, decent, dignified, honorable and noble person like you, ever permit another human being to insult, humiliate, degrade, reject or shame you, or worse,

why would a normal, decent dignified, honorable and noble person like you, ever allow yourself to insult, humiliate, degrade, reject or shame yourself?

Even more important, how can you find your place at the table of honor?

- Michael Lutin

And why do I do it? Because sometimes I feel too good - too energetic, happy, strong - and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do with all that life and love, have too few outlets, and fear the new ones. Convinced I can only be alone.

You cannot walk the world apart from God, because you could not be without Him…There is one life.

But I’m not along. Nor am I unlovable. The world needs me. Needs me to be my best. Just as it needs everyone.

The light in you is what the universe longs to behold…The light you carry is their own.

Being my best isn’t hard work but stopping all this running in a hamster wheel. That was one of the most helpful statements when I quit smoking. To quit, all you do is….nothing. You don’t go through the numerous actions. You just sit, wait, be.

As you step back, the light in you steps forward and encompasses the world.

Sit, wait, be. The rest will come.

Yet you have wasted many, many years on just this foolish thought. The past is gone, with all its fantasies. They keep you bound no longer. The approach to God is near. And in the little interval of doubt that still remains, you may perhaps lose sight of your Companion, and mistake Him for the senseless, ancient dream that now is past.

“Who walks with me?”

And again, as I wallow wishing for more, everything I wanted is here. Love, life, the beauty of this self.

I walk with God in perfect holiness. I light the world,
I light my mind and all the minds which God created
one with me.

Two Sets of Foot Steps

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 08:18:11 -0500

LESSON 155. I will step back and let Him lead the way.

A few years ago, I started down this road. I read every book I could and ended up with a wall full of quotes and notes to myself. I always was good at studying. One of index cards said it was time to unlearn my childhood and have to look to people to meet your needs. That still scares me.

Walk safely now, yet carefully, because this path is new to you. And you may find that you are tempted still to walk ahead of truth, and let illusions be your guide. Your holy brothers have been given you, to follow in your footsteps as you walk with certainty of purpose to the truth. It goes before you now, that they may see something with which they can identify; something they understand to lead the way.

This lesson goes against all my defense mechanisms. I’m different! Alone! Independent. I have always chosen to go against rather than with. Reject before you can be rejected.

Your feet are safely set upon the road that leads the world to God. Look not to ways that seem to lead you elsewhere.

The few times I have enjoyed my life have been full or friends. The friends came from expressing my true self through my past times. Now, this is choosing god, this life apart from illusions. I’m not alone, I have god. Now I’m ready to walk with anyone else who will join me.

Flocking

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 08:16:03 -0500

LESSON 154. I am among the ministers of God.

When I was an intensely shy child, feeling trapped inside my body as I wanted to speak and can’t yet some gatekeeper in my mind was too afraid of the imagined negative consequences. Hints of this still remain and I pretty much avoid people, all the while complaining I have no friends. And worrying very much about the health repercussions of not welcoming people into my heart and life.

Each of us is on the earth with a holy mission: to give and to receive the love of God. With every encounter, it is our function to give to others the love we wish to receive. As we do so, we minister to their heart and to our own. - Marianne Williamson

I got really stuck on this lesson. The one that gives me responsibility to get out there and so some loving.

I blamed myself for so long. For being to ugly, annoying, uncool, blah, blah, blah to be loved. The reason I don’t have people around is me but not because I’m unloveable.

It’s because I just don’t - e-mail, call, text. Nothing.

I am among the ministers of God, and I am grateful that
I have the means by which to recognize that I am free.

And that’s where freedom lies.

To Be, There Is No Question

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 13:48:00 -0500

LESSON 153. In my defenselessness my safety lies.

It’s been days! I got distracted by a multi day sugar binge starting the day before Halloween. It’s funny how that roller coaster can keep away higher thoughts.

Defenses are the costliest of all the prices which the ego would exact…The sense of threat the world encourages is so much deeper, and so far beyond the frenzy and intensity of which you can conceive, that you have no idea of all the devastation it has wrought.

I suppose the break from the program was the lesson I was meant to learn. I drink and binge to feel untouchable. I have no feelings, no pain, no past, no future. But it is truly nothing. I finally realized that no pain does not equal joy.

Defenselessness is strength.

I was a weird kid, some of which I have grown out of. I couldn’t let anyone see me sleep. I remember being in the back of the car, maybe 7 years old, and so dozy after an afternoon excursion. My siblings were all snoozing away but I was stronger than that. When I eventually had to succumb, I turned around and pretended to be looking out the rear window.

I still live with versions of this. Wanting to say yes when I mean no to seem agreeable, capable, competent. I don’t face things for fear they will hurt me. Yet what I’ve noticed is that the most capable people are the ones that are open about everything, able to engage in challenging conversations, able to live.

We look past dreams today, and recognize that we need no defense because we are created unassailable, without all thought or wish or dream in which attack has any meaning. Now we cannot fear, for we have left all fearful thoughts behind. And in defenselessness we stand secure, serenely certain of our safety now, sure of salvation; sure we will fulfill our chosen purpose.

Every time I do something that scares me, no matter how small, I am so proud. Think of what an amazing life embracing this way of being makes possible!

No Excuses

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 13:37:44 -0500

LESSON 152. The power of decision is my own.

Some people believe everything happens for a reason but others believe that we choose everything about our lives. I remember the first time I heard that, thought about my parents, the nose I hated, how I felt so separate from everyone and couldn’t believe. Now I cherish my background, the line of my nose, and being a bell curve outlier.

Let us today be truly humble, and accept what we have mad as what it is. The power of decision is our own. Decide but to accept your rightful place as co-creator of the universe.

I daydream about all the other lives that I could live but when I see how others live, I love my life and my decisions. The messy house, the drinking, the work. I chose all these things. Owning that, I am happy with it. Even for bad things, I sometimes choose to be disorganized and have to own that too.

Truth is humble in acknowledging its mightiness, its changelessness and its eternal wholeness…We lay aside the arrogance which says that we are sinners, guilty and afraid, ashamed of what we are; and lift our hearts in true humility.

Recognizing that I created this life is the largest expression of power I have ever uttered. I did this and therefore I can do anything. I’ve made some wild dreams come true and there are more to come. I’ll aim higher than looking good in Spandex next time!

The power of decision is my own.

This day I will accept myself as what my Father’s will created me to be.

I have no regrets, I’m not afraid, I’m not dissatisfied. I am everything.

Holding On

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 08:49:31 -0400

LESSON 151. All things are echoes of the Voice for God.

I felt embarrassed about my whiny post from before but it’s what I felt. And then of course, the next lesson is a light in the darkness.

No one can judge on partial evidence…It is merely an opinion based on ignorance and doubt….And its defense seems strong, convincing, and without a doubt because of all the doubting underneath.

I want results without change. I want the impossible.

Give Him your thoughts, and He will give them back as miracles which joyously proclaim the wholeness and the happiness God wills His Son, as proof of His eternal Love…And what remains is unified into a perfect Thought that offers its perfection everywhere.

My thoughts have always tormented me with their negative messages. Yet it was unsettling to try to give them up. I realized how silly many of my thoughts are. I constantly complain about wanting more plans and social events yet when I go out, I wish I was staying in. I don’t let myself enjoy anything.

Out with some old and new friends, I realized how I’m begging for acceptance but I’m the one that is cold, judgemental, out of touch. I choose the body over joy. I recoil at every study relating happiness and investment in social ties because I always choose pizza.

As we give thanks, the world unites with us and happily accepts our holy thoughts, which Heaven has corrected and made pure. Now has our ministry begun at last, to carry round the world the joyous news that truth has no illusions, and the peace of God, through us, belongs to everyone.

The truth is I have an easy life that I’ve made hard. What I think is hard will not be as hard as this.

Road to Nowhere

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 13:35:44 -0400

LESSON 150. My mind holds only what I think with God.

(139) I will accept Atonement for myself.
(140) Only salvation can be said to cure.

I feel frustrated today. This program is the angel and my thoughts are the devil. Has my life changed at all? I’m almost back to the heaviest weight of my life. I feel younger than my body is, telling myself tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow but time is running out.

I am this and nothing else.

It is always worth the effort, the toil, heartache and aggravation to face the truth of where not only other people are coming from, but you yourself. And Saturn in Scorpio rips into your deepest secret being and helps you to look at who you really are, what you really want, what fulfills you emotionally, and most of all, what you are deeply afraid of. And it is the act of looking into the face of that fear and staring it down that creates lifetime bonds with another person, trust in life and the strength and courage to carry on creating, producing and being truly alive, sometimes for the first time.

- Michael Lutin

There’s no doubt about what to do, yet I’m not doing it. Not facing change, fear, challenge. I’m in sweat pants, with the tv on, looking forward to drinks with dinner and vegging out.

What’s there to do but keep going, keep trying, make tomorrow a bit better. Changes don’t happen in an instant, it is only when looking back that things seem easy. Chin up!

Just Like Heaven

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 07:55:36 -0400

LESSON 149. My mind holds only what I think with God.

(137) When I am healed I am not healed alone.
(138) Heaven is the decision I must make.

I think I know everything. I wanted to write about that. How I think I don’t need anyone because I’m too shy to ask questions or make phone calls or reach out in anyway. How I can’t imagine what it could be that I don’t already know but always pleasantly surprised and so glad I asked.

But I just woke up from the most interesting dream feeling pretty happy. I was walking by some lunch tables, each with a baby from Africa on top. I saw one that was missing most limbs and was being swarmed with flies and stopped for a chat. While I was shooing the flies away, I proceeded to have a delightful conversation with this kid who spoke perfect English.

Then I had to leave and was walking by a fashion shoot where the model was wearing a garment fashioned from a tie rack. This inspired me to take off my clothes, wrap my white business shirt around me, and streak by the model and photographer, who was of course furiously shooting away.

Talking babies and photobombing aside, while the message to me was not only about embracing interactions but focusing on what I can give rather than get.

I am not healed alone but that doesn’t mean it’s a passive act. I can take matters into my own hands, get out of my comfort zone, add value to the world rather than waiting for things to happen to me.

Heaven is up to me. It’s completely within reach. I just have to choose it over the hell of fears, doubts, sadness. Choose heaven with every thought, action and breath.

I Am Alive

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 08:45:54 -0400

LESSON 148. My mind holds only what I think with God.

If I defend myself I am attacked.
Sickness is a defense against the truth.

Call me Bubble Girl. I prefer to walk through the world with a protective layer. Distracted from my surrounding by thoughts of being fat, literally pushing people away with a layer of fat, a nice humming buzz of caffeine, booze, or sugar. They’re going to hurt me so I want to be untouchable.

Yet what I crave the most is for connection, to make direct contact. I’ve spun this cocoon that now feels like a trap. Maybe I needed it as a kid navigating new schools every other year and overwhelming shyness but those days are long gone.

Yet I continue to defend myself. Against a phantom enemy. Creating the pain I hope to avoid.

And I’m beginning to see how much work it is. I had a few healthy days last week - good food but not too much, no drinks, even a bit of exercise. On day 3, I leaped out of bed with a smile on face. A good mood I’ve only felt recently under the influence.

I realized that’s what my body wants. Feeling full started to feel uncomfortable instead of soothing. The swirling head from a drink as undesirable. Sitting in one place for a long time is boring.

The truth is health and love are out there. Not as far away as they seem.

i am alive i am here i am now i acknowlege the fact of my life i am alive breathing walking and smiling acknowledge the fact of my life there’s a big big world out there its time that i stepped in ‘cause i’m getting tired of pretending that i don’t really give a shit there was guilt and shame there was fear and hate but now it’s finally time to appreciate the perfection of all life all the times and places and time i’d waste i learned the hard way and ever since when i look forward or back i just gotta laugh ‘cause it hit like a ton of bricks i laid down on the ground and i looked around and i saw a miracle i appreciate the simple beauty of the world it came to me like a bullet to the heart but it was there in front of me all along so obvious the only meaning of life is life itself i’m not controlled by anybody else

i must get out of my way get out of my own way

Screeching Weasel

Snooze Button

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 06:54:24 -0400

LESSON. 147 My mind holds only what I think with God.

I will not value what is valueless.
Let me perceive forgiveness as it is.

Listening to New Order in concert last night was like going down a rabbit hole. I lost it when they wrapped up the show with Love Will Tear Us Apart, a song I’ve cherished for over 15 years now. The music picked me up and dropped me into so many different times of my life. The rebellious goth years, the lonely rave years, a journey through the many flavors of separation I’ve felt.

I think of all the cigarettes I smoked, bars I went, small talk I made and how it meant nothing. I was looking for something meaningful and true, aching for love and companionship but didn’t get it.

I have the same feelings now, wanting more relationships in life, yet I settle for work, drinks, TV in the background. I blame myself for being unlovable and not knowing how to be a friend but that’s not true. I don’t want to do the work. I don’t want to be uncomfortable, risk any rejection or pain.

The Course often reminds you that you do not ask too much of life, but far too little. As you think deeply about what you want, let all that is valueless fall away and ask from a deep place where the peace of God resides.

- Marianne Williamson

So what has no value? Well, looking back at that purple haired girl huddling outside smoking in the rain of the pacific northwest, I see that all that pain I felt is valueless. It was real enough but not the monster I made it out to be. If I had shone a light on it, I would have seen it was a small object casting a large shadow. The pain prompted quick fixes of superficial interactions and substitutions for genuine connection.

And forgiveness…those lessons hurt to think of. I don’t think of myself of worthy. Not only to receive the love of others but to give it.

I’m ready for change, to change because I must do it myself. I don’t know where to start. I feel so tired when I think about it. But it has to happen. I want to wake up.

“I used to think I was lazy. I was always tired. Actually, I was just blocked until I discovered the purpose of my life. When our energy is applied in the direction of co-creating with God, of a willingness to supply love where there was none before, new energy bursts forth from deep inside us.” - - Marianne Williamson

The Real Secret

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 09:12:58 -0400

LESSON 146. My mind holds only what I think with God.

No one can fail who seeks to reach the truth.

I loose the world from all I thought it was.

I’ve started a small business with my husband. We have big dreams of what could come of it. And for as many books that announce the secret of success as positive thinking, at least once a day I turn to him and ask if this plan is really going to work. Are we going to be successful?

The question comes from the idea that I don’t have control. That things happen to me. I’m a little boat being pushed and pulled by the ocean. I don’t decide my course but rather drift and let things happen.

The answer to my question is entirely up to me. I will be successful if I keep working, work harder and smarter, keep going when things are tough.

Although I have dreamed of what the future will bring, I can’t picture it very well. When I retreat from daily life and hard emotions, I don’t project myself there but continue to walk the well worn path of looking to food and booze.

And while I talk about the work it will take to succeed, I realize how much work it has been to sustain this life style over the years. The commitment to drinking and eating has involved get out of social engagements until there are few left, running around town to gather my favourite treats, sneaking food and drink from my husband even. And the wasted days - during and after. So many beautiful sunny days have been blocked out by dark curtains as I nurse my emotions and then hangover.

The first time around, I edited the second review lesson from loose to lose. Then I looked it up and it means to:

release - loosen - untie - unfasten - unbind - undo

My previous patterns aren’t serving me anymore. I’m not getting the same high as before. Afterwards hurts more. I don’t even have a choice but to let go.

I need to shift my mind from dreams of escape to future success. Imagine a beautiful future that I am excited to build now. One that makes all this extra work fun, one that makes putting down a drink or seconds rewarding, one that I don’t want to escape from.

Faith is bigger than myself but also about myself. This journey of learning to believe is, after all these years, teaching me to believe in myself.

Spiritual Housekeeping

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 09:06:40 -0400

LESSON 145. Review:

Beyond this world there is a world I want.
It is impossible to see two worlds.

I used to try and take the shortcut to the spiritual world. Attain the feelings of oneness and loving beauty everywhere without taking the time and doing the work. It’s one of those shortcuts that takes so much longer. More of a trap door really. You start out on the first floor, feel like you’re climbing up and up only to find yourself in the basement.

A drug or alcohol blocks off the experience of the lower energy fields and allows the experience of a higher energy field.

They are seeking an inner state of consciousness [through] the only way they know of accessing that state a t the time. It is a certain way of experiencing their being, their experience, and it is a pleasurable and highly energized state…

The addiction is not to drugs or alcohol per se but to the ‘high’ state of consciousness itself…In addiction, the person has given away the source of their happiness and meaning in life by projecting it onto the outer world to…some substance outside themselves.

I’m making progress - less wine during the week, got through a weekend without slipping a binge, am exercising more. Feeling full is not comfort as it once was but uncomfortable. Funny, the relationship between those two words. What was once the goal has become repellant. The spiritual world is becoming more appealing than the physical. That sense of being out of control, unable to say no or stop, is fading. There are other options.

One realizes that the souve of happiness is the same as the source of life and comes from responsibility owning oneself as a spiritual person.

[The final] step is taking responsibility for the content of one’s consciousness and having the willingness to clean it up then becomes a way of life on a daily basis.

- Healing and Recovery, David Hawkins

They say that happy people make their bed everyday. That’s not the only part of life that feels under control. It’s not a sudden shift or monumental change that brings about this transition but the sum of small daily tasks, better habits replacing old ones, consistently choosing the light over dark.

Enjoy the Silence

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 08:43:03 -0400

LESSON 143. Review:

In quiet I receive God’s Word today.
All that I give is given to myself.

The thoughts have become less frequent and quieter. The ones that say I can only fail, that everything about me is wrong, to give up now. These thoughts are the reason I avoid silence at every opportunity. Reading in the elevator, working with the TV on, drinking til I fall asleep.

What have I been missing?

The peace that comes from connecting with the infinite divine, the sense of love and belonging in the world.

Silence is a friend not an enemy.

Pushing away silence pulls the world in closer, with the messages that I need to buy something to be more worthy. I thought I was keeping the bad at thoughts away but I was feeding them with outside influence.

By choosing quiet, I can enjoy being myself as I am, nurture that, grow that. Become more in a true and meaningful way. I have been scared of the wrong things all this time.