I was organizing yesterday and came across a box of old journals. I was in so much pain in the past and poured it out into those pages. Feeling sad, lonely, ineffective, overweight. Not that different now but more acutely.

I called my grandma yesterday. After a lifetime of living far away, I’m near her now but rarely see her, or call for that matter. I remembered that when we would come visit, even at 12, I was “slimming.” Could never control my food, wanting to inhale it for that slippery sensation of escape. Then into punishment mode for how I looked in my bathing suit. I’m still slimming!

I had a day off yesterday and indulged in what I always thought would make a great afternoon, bon bons, champagne, and tv on the couch. I deserve it right? A weird way to look at it. I treat myself like veal. I didn’t even want to consume all the goodies I had acquired but did. No escape, more disgust. Nothing tasted good. I felt terrible and went on to consume another binge of a dinner.

In university, I had a hard time getting over a bad relationship. I have a history of this sort of self punishment. I would like to blame it on my mother. A friend gave me a book that suggested writing a eulogy for the relationship, saying thank you for the good, acknowledging the bad, and declaring that life had to keep going on without. Here’s the one I wrote for my complicated eating:

Goodbye to the escape. I don’t need you anymore. I want to move on, need to. It’s time. I am ready, excited for what is to come.

Thank you for keeping the loneliness and fear at bay. You helped me get through difficult times. But there are other ways better way. Methods that bring me closer to me goals, rather than just away from the negative. You’ve always been there for me bu now you’re holding me back. 

Please, let me go. Set me free.

I want to what’s out there. I don’t need a buffer. I want it all.  Thank you. Good by.

And for future reminders a pro/con list. 

      Reasons to Binge               Reasons to Live

• This is too hard.                 I can handle anything + have before.
• I can’t do this.                    This is not me. This is punishment.
• I deserve a break.               I have bigger goals.
• I can’t handle this.              It’s more fun to imagine than indulge
• I can’t help myself.             I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
• It’s too much.                     I’ll be happier + love myself more if I don’t.
• This will be the last time.   What I want is something else.
• I’ll get it out of my system  My past is not my future. That doesn’t work.
•                                           There are better ways.
•                                           This is not what I want. 
•                                           It’s empty, lonely, fake: what I want to avoid
•                                           Be gentle - there is no need to cause pain

So what have I learned in 30 days? A huge thing in looking at the world and seeing is god is embracing one something I used to hate, being wrong. But this way of seeing brings me joy. I ask to be shown other ways of seeing. I look and tell myself, what I think is there is something. I want to find out!

I hope that when I look back on this whole process, it will be like looking at my old journals. Feeling sad for that girl who wrote those things and so happy that those days are over. Proud of myself for taking the steps to make the change.