LESSON 27. Above all else I want to see. 

I’m ahead of schedule to write about this lesson. I need to repeat it more, hoping something will happen. 

I have experienced this so many times. Every time I have to do something big, I agonize about it. Tell myself I can’t do it, that my version will be awful, that I should never do anything because I’m so terrible…and on and on…and I eat and cry and drink and feel bad and do more things to make myself feel physically and mentally ill.

And then it, whatever it is, is fine. I got a master’s degree, got married, found a job, organized a conference… The same pattern of doubt, anxiety, success, and in retrospect, wishing I had enjoyed the process more.

This anxiety has been building over time. I didn’t feel these doubts as strongly in the past. Certainly life is increasingly complicated but the confidence in my abilities I used to feel would make more of a difference now. 

I don’t want to be consumed by potential failure but see real possibilites. 

I want to see!